Shhhhh! We’re hiding this in the archives.-Ed
Hey everybody! Come see how good I look! [Photo] free willy
It’s been a long winter in the gym. While the snow piled outside, the climbers gathered within. Pawing our way up the walls, I’m sure many of us wondered how long it would be before we drew one chalky breath too many and died of some rare but serious lung disease. Fortunately, there was always the distraction of eye-candy. Man-candy.
When so many climbers are drawn into the warehouse of plastic, it’s a great time to display your feathers for a prospective mate. After a full winter of observation, I can offer some tips to you gentleman that are sure to set us women-folk into a dither.
Partnership of the Rope
The size of your bro crew is clutch. Climbing is a trust sport. You want exemplary partners, and I need to see how many are drawn to your excellence. I also need to see what you go through to maintain your bonds. The crew must travel closely. If one has to pee, you all have to pee. The size of your following will make it clear to me whether or not you are, in fact, the messiah of sport climbing. I want to align myself with power.
This is as important as your bro crew. If you don’t train with a different bodacious young lady every day that you’re in, how can I know that you are desirable?
Take the minimalist approach to dressing
First of all, you should be wearing Verve Cagis. And only Verve Cagis. If you are wearing underwear, I will be obscenely disappointed. If you are wearing a shirt, you are a chump. You should never being wearing a shirt, even if you’re climbing in Anchorage and the heat is out. You say you’re in the best shape of your life? Well, I want proof. I want to see your beer belly rippling with exertion as you pull a roof. When you come back down, rest your hands on the rim of your male-muffin top hanging over your harness. As you sweat, you will shine like a God. Please don’t shower later. We like the musk.
“Is it hot in here?” [Photo] free willy
This one more or less speaks for itself.
Tell me how to climb
I’m a woman. Because of my curves, my ability to comprehend rock climbing is significantly diminished. Even if it appears I have a move wired, I need specific coaching. Take any opportunity you can to touch my ass while “spotting.”
Show me how to climb
If you aren’t telling me how to climb, you need to show me. In the Talons you insisted on buying your second day of climbing, tackle a V2 with the footwork of a bull. Own it. Give a Titan-like yell when you reach the end, hang on one arm and waggle a fist. Drop to the crash pad, roll onto your male-muff and rest. I will fall to my knees and massage your folds.
Take unnecessary risks
I want to know that you’re daring. If I’m ever in a situation of extreme peril, such as being locked in a tower by a mage, I need to know what sort of danger you’re willing to put yourself through to rescue me. If you’re lead climbing, I want to see the gym staff yelling at you to stop skipping draws. If the gym offers dry-tooling, I want you to slip off the leashes and fall like spiraling helicopter of death.
Everything you own on your harness
This makes you look important and legitimate. You should have three different types of belay devices on your gear loops, a quickdraw or two and maybe even a random nut or cam. You get bonus points for looping on your roll of medical tape (you’ll be needing that when you’re hanging on one arm 40 feet up), cell phone or camera. Since you will be sweating from all of your hard work, you should also have a towel hanging off the back alongside your chalkbag.
Part II: All the single ladies, put your hands up.
Men aren’t the only ones that can benefit romantically from gym climbing. Let’s not forget the other half of this equation. Here are some common tricks of the trade for all you ladies. Grrls, get some.
Breasts: Advertise them.
Why attract men with your climbing abilities when you can use your inherent physical attributes? Bra and shirt selection are critical. Maximize cleavage and lift. You want to make sure that no one is looking at your face.
Flirt with the male staff members.
C’mon, girls. Wouldn’t be, like, so cool to have a boyfriend on staff? Then you could, like, climb for free and stuff. Pester them for advice on your climbing, your harness selection or your sore fingers. If your excuses to speak to them have run dry, just start leaning seductively on the counter for extended periods of time, and simper that you’d like to be the one calling “last climb” every evening. If they start directing your questions to another staff member, don’t get discouraged–they’re just playing hard to get.
Only hang around men who climb 5.12 and up. Anyone else is a punt.
He may be outgoing. He may be a gentleman. He may like you for reasons other than your bra selection. But none of this matters because he’s only climbing 5.9 on top rope. The real men are climbing the 5.13 lead routes in the back of the gym, falling off and throwing wobblers. Better to pursue a man crying on the 5.13 than a man smiling on a 5.easy. Spend the bulk of your training hours sitting on the floor getting a sore neck as you watch a titan of plastic own his latest project.
Every night following climbing should be a night on the town, hopefully with the aforementioned object of your desires. Time to gather with your fellow members of the IBU: International Biddies Union. The bathroom/locker room may look similar to the one you all frequented in middle school, when you applied sparkling blue eye shadow to your seductive lids. Make it your space. Set up your iPhone on the towel dispenser, and play the latest from Usher and the Black Eyed Peas. Make the space smell like fire as you warm up your straightener/curler. Look at the female staff member disdainfully as she wipes down the sink next to you and say, “Oh, you have to clean the bathrooms, too?” Clubbing clothes on and make-up applied, exit the bathroom with your crew and a swagger that says “We are biddies.” To become a card-carrying member of the IBU, answer two questions: 1) Are you a biddy? 2) Do you live in a country?
“The proper spotting technique when bouldering.” [Photo] free willy
Gather in the bouldering areas
There is often ample seating here for you and your lady friends. The leader should be the strongest climber. Worship and observe this individual as you monopolize floor space. Coming together into one area like this allows for easy selection by males. Take care not to get injured, as some people will still attempt to climb while you use the floor for important social exercises.
Give beautiful women who climb hard the stink-eye
I mean, where the hell do they get off? It’s almost like they are climbing purely for their own personal enjoyment. And how dare they look stunning as they gracefully power through that gaston! Any threat of this nature is not to be tolerated. Destroy her.