The Emperor Jacket: so lightweight and breathable, you’ll hardly know it’s there

As every alpinist knows, finding the perfect jacket–one that’s suitable for every condition–is as unlikely as finding a candy-covered gingerbread house in the woods. To the most sophisticated and futuristic of climbers, the pursuit of impeccable outerwear is as important–nay, more essential–than experience and technical prowess in the mountains. But never fear, dear reader, that this devotion to the latest style stems from the vanity of one obsessed with their own visage; I am merely concerned with helping the accompanying photographer, videographer and live-blogger capture the most appealing image. Before I discovered the myriad wonders of the Emperor clothing line, I myself carried a different jacket for every hour of the day (an essential precaution against the embarrassment of clashing unfashionably with the purple sunset as I climb into the distance in an orange-colored wrapper).

A few weeks ago, as I busied myself with another marathon training session of ferrying load upon load of slick neon shells and glitzy schwag from the Rez-de-chaussee to the summit of a formidable concrete structure (the World is my Gym!), a pair of tailors approached me on Drury Lane. Clearly impressed by my taste in the latest finery, they offered to build me a limited-edition jacket.

They described the fabric as “the ultimate in ultra-light-featherweight technology”: a proprietary cloth woven from the finest strands of sunbeams and thistledown. Most enthralling of all, the jacket would allow me to discern which of my less-esteemed colleagues was most suited to accompany me on an impending expedition to the heretofore-unattempted super-direttissima up the north face of Rum Doodle. Only the most accomplished mountaineers, the tailors assured me, could perceive their magnificent creation.

My jacket arrived at the Alpinist office a few days ago, and I must say, it is indeed extraordinary. The jacket perfectly accommodates my helmet, and adds no bulk under my harness. It stretches with delight, accompanying my elegant appendages with every move as I mime climbing in front of my full-length mirror. I may not even need any under layers, for it seems to be the most insulating, and yet breathable, fabric ever imagined by man.

Thus far, none of my potential teammates have wizened to the sublimity of my new attire. Oh well. I’m sure the whole town will turn out to bid me good cheer when I march out the door, alone, exulting in the Emperor’s new coat.

Paula Rumpelshorts is the fashion editor for Alpinist. She is rarely heard from and almost never seen, unless something looks too good to be true.

Pros
Lightweight
Breathable
Packs down to literally nothing

Cons
The tailors seemed to have moved their shop…
I feel a bit of a breeze stirring about my neck?
I seem to have lost my wallet…can anyone help me find the pockets on this thing???